then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
