so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
