I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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