I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
