fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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