I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
