he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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