If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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