Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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