WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
