Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
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Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
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