I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
