so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My vagina is officially offended.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
