I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
