I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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