If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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