I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
