Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
