It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
