your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
