Kiss
Puke
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
