If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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