He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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