i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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