Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
