Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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