You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
