Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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