I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
