If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
