On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
