I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
