I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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