i think my mom watched the whole time
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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