pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
