he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
