I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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