So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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