I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
