I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
