All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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