eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
