I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
