I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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