All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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