My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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