Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
