I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
