my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
