i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
