She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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