that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
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When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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