yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
