Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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