I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
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Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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