i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
