My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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