I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
