I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
