My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
nutella sex= disaster
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your penis caused this!
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