Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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