obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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